When He Keeps Rejecting You
When your husband, significant lover, or boyfriend keeps rejecting you, after countless years and months of being together it is heart-breaking. I mentioned a while back this topic in an article called, “When You Want Your Husband and Someone else Shows Up“, this was relating to the same situation. The main man in your heart, the one your heart is deepest connected to over and above anyone else, is rejecting you, and there is nothing you can do! (This article also has relevance: When Your Hunny Just Doesn’t Want to Have Sex)
You gently say, it’s okay in one moment, and can be patient and wait for him when he is ready, but when he says the same thing over and over again, “not now hun”, “I’m tired,” or “we can connect later. Time and space won’t make a difference for how we feel, and if it does, we didn’t love each other anyway.” You think he makes some rational sense, but perhaps its his way of brain washing you to accept it, his reverse psychology of manipulation, because he probably really knows how to trick you, and cuts into your empathy personality of kindness, compassion and love. He knows they are your core values; to be kind, patient and accepting of others.
You see he’s dealing with something. You don’t know what it is. You’re annoyed, but your heart is open, and you love him, so you accept his needs, and request to connect later. But later never comes!
In the book, Men Who Can’t Love, it says under The Commitmentphobic Husband:
“Perhaps the most amazing thing about the committmentphobic husband is to the extremes to which he goes in order to not feel trapped. His discomfort is so great that he loses sight of the fact that his wife is a human being. Yet, after marriage, he is often so intensely uncomfortable, so anxious and so out of control that he can no longer see her clearly. He is often a man without mercy. His anxiety to find space and freedom within a relationship in which he feels trapped is no less terrifying to watch than the recently captured animal. He is flailing and it will do no good to point to him that his wife is just a woman and that she probably loves him. He can no longer see the reality of the situation. In his head she is captor.”
It’s amazing how many times you hear your man who is terrified of intimacy blame you for scaring him, or giving him anxiety, or putting pressure on him, or yelling that you ask too much of him, when all you want is intimacy, and he gives you nothing; or very little so much as a hug or sitting next to you for a short period on the couch. That is not deep intimacy, but to him, its all he can handle.
You think you yourself can handle this behavior. You allow it to continue and adjust your body’s arousal, and energy to handle his rejection. You even maintain intimacy with others to continue to accept it, but its never enough. You wanted him, most of all. Sometimes having affairs or an open marriage, doesn’t resolve the issues within the relationship, especially when they are deep rooted. If they have a fear of intimacy, and an issue with attachment, them telling you to go be with others and connect with them won’t resolve your hurt, frustration or pain with him. The issues with him must be resolved with him, not someone else. After all, it’s his fear of intimacy that is causing you to need to be with others anyway, isn’t it. So, its fear of intimacy that needs to be healed, not your sexual frustration. Being with others is wonderful, but in the end, its only a temporary solution, to a much bigger problem.
In the book, Recovery Workbook, For Love Addicts and Love Avoidants, it says: “Love Avoidants suffer from some form of childhood incest, and they fall in love but abort the relationship when it gets serious. Incest can mean overt (sexual molestation and rape), covert (sexual energy without touching) and emotional (being forced to be a surrogate partner).”
Saboteurs are Avoidants who destroy relationships when they start to get serious or at whatever point their fear of intimacy comes up.
Seductive Withholders run hot and cold. They always come on to you when they want sex or companionship. When they become bored or frightened, they begin withholding companionship, sex, affection, anything that makes them feel anxious. (If they leave the relationship just once, they’re Saboteurs. If they keep repeating the pattern of being available/unavailable in the same relationship, they are Seductive Withholders.
My guy was definitely a Committmentphobic and Seductive Withholder, and definitely a multitude of personality disorders. It’s hard to pinpoint without an actual diagnosis, however, being a practitioner for a very long time, and studying psychology and healing myself for 2 decades, I can pretty much estimate what is correct.
The most difficult thing is this person is your best friend, and was your lover, who connected with you so profoundly deeply and got into your heart before anyone else did. He’s stuck in there, like a leech, and you can’t get him out. So, those who deal with this, often want to try to help, support, heal, and struggle with being kind and offering compassion. However, in the end, this type of person must choose on his or her own, to get their own help, and truly get through their own battles, lest they stop giving them to you. You have enough battles to conquer on your own! I sure did.
In the book, The Sociopath at the Breakfast Table; Recognizing and Dealing with AntiSocial and Manipulative People, its says:
“When you first meet a sociopath (very similar to psychopath by the way), you may be impressed by her good manners. She tends to be charming at first, may go out of her way to please you, and often falls back on flattery. These tactics are designed to draw you in, but beware, for she is not what she appears, which is why sociopaths are often called “social chameleons.” It seems counterintuitive that someone so charming can be so dangerous.”
They have no trouble convincing the whole neighborhood and local community that they are perfectly normal, and most likely it is you that his community thinks has a problem, since they always see you upset at his wrong doings and acting out to stand up for yourself.
“It is quite common for sociopaths to create a sense of similarity and intimacy. They will tell you that you are the only person who understands them, that you are their special “soul mate.”
I remember not too long ago, he quoted from the funny kids movie, ‘Hotel Transylvania’, “You are my zing babe!” and flavored me with affection, devotion, commitment and made me believe we would after all that time get married, have another child and a home together. All those promises left to be met with his illusion and fantasy that he kept me hanging on by a string, with hopes for the future, and his unreliable stability and consistent change of heart.
Numerous times after he disappeared into his triggered state of whatever psychosis or personality state he has (bipolar, psychopathic, mama’s boy, womanizer, schizoid), and stayed there for a long time, I would be left to accept that he was a different person, and the man I loved with all my heart, completely pulled his heart back from me, and I was now talking to a different human being. No amount of my loving coaching, counseling techniques, patience, listening, and gentle healing love would make any different what-so-ever. He was an all-together different person now. Something triggered it, and usually it was from my desire of being close and intimate, have sex, or connect in a beautiful emotional way. Sometimes, and often times it was also something else. Sometimes just looking at him would do it, or rejecting and counter-offering another suggestion of doing something, anything other than what his direct focus was on. Any disapproval of his objective and focus was a complete insult to his ego. He was flabbergasted, and would complain you didn’t accept him fully and unconditionally. So, it left you unable to have your own opinion about anything. His objective was to keep you quiet, make you think you’re wrong, and reject you again and again!
If you tried to help him, talk to him about his feelings or why you felt his grilling anger, as though he was chewing his own teeth, and ready to scream at any moment, he would blame you for making his life stressful; for the mere act of asking him what was wrong. It was like being a therapist to your lover, but with no results. Gaining results always makes one feel as if what they are doing is helpful, but his rejection to first intimacy, and then rejection to talking, to then leaving all-together makes your efforts seems all the more worth-less.
The only thing left, is to accept it, grieve him, and then grieve some more! Anyone have a box of tissues? You might need them after reading this, and dealing with someone who runs for the wolves when you’re offering a sweet bed of flowers, and even some massage oil, satin sheets, and comfy gel pillows! Ahh, that sounds really nice!