Sex As Mood Trigger

sex as mood trigger

Sex As Mood Trigger

For those who have attachment issues and fears of intimacy, often sex and intimacy will be a trigger into their psychosis or issues that bring up the core of their emotions. I realize I am not a licensed psychologist, psychotherapist, or CLSW, however, it doesn’t take someone with initials at the end of their name to know about issues with intimacy. (And, I have 20 years of experience in the practice of Healing Arts, and Sexual Healing Arts, which can often be seen as more background than actual college).

What does one do when the person they love so much, is triggered by the mere idea, or mere act of intimacy? How do you handle it? Do you try to help them, because, after all, you do love this person so utterly deeply. Why would you not want to help them, especially if the person is your husband or wife, and the parent to your child.

Intimacy and Sex is often a trigger word, and a trigger in general for certain people. It is actually more common than we realize, albeit, we would much prefer it not be the case, or that this issue was less common. The fact is, it is a common issue, as many children and many families have attachment and boundary issues, so too, do families and children grow up learning certain behaviors, beliefs and take on issues themselves in relation to the family dynamics they grew up in.

As much as these issues are common, what is not common is that people don’t want to look at themselves and what it is that causes them to have fear, their triggers, or take personal responsibility and accountability for their own part of a relationship (that is, after all, causing an impact on the other person). That is quite a challenge, especially if you love someone, and wanted to commit to them, for the long haul.

In the book: Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other, it says:

Attractive people are attracting and yet frightening. They are beautiful; you would like to relate to them, but to relate with them means to lose your freedom. To relate with them means to not be yourself anymore. And because they are attractive, you will not be able to leave them; you will cling. You know your tendency — that the more attractive a person is, the more clinging will arise in you; you will become more and more dependent. That is the fear! ~~~Nobody wants to become dependent. Freedom is the ultimate value. Even love is not higher than freedom. Freedom is the ultimate value.

And why is it that people so want to have freedom?  And, why do they not think they can have freedom within a relationship? Most people, usually think it is one way or the other, not both. And, so they resist love and intimacy at all costs, because they feel to love deeply and ultimately, they will be sucked deep into a pit, never able to remove them-self and be their true identity. If to be intimate, and to love deeply, feels like a trapped cage, of course it would feel as though they have no freedom. But it is possible to have both love and intimacy and have freedom. The only place that is not free is in the mind.

If you love a person, you love a person. What will happen tomorrow —who cares? Today is so much, this moment is an eternity. What will happen tomorrow, we will see…when tomorrow comes. And tomorrow never comes. Real love is of the present. Always remember: Anything real has to be part of awareness, has to be part of the present, has to be part of meditation. Then there is no problem! And there is no question of attraction, and there is no question of fear.
sex as mood trigger3However, to a person of true fear of intimacy, these principals won’t make any sense. They will avoid intimacy at all costs, or as soon as there is the threat of the intimacy leading into something more serious. They will abhor intimacy at that point, and find any excuse to do other things; anything, other than the exercise, practice, or quiet time of solitude, to be alone; sitting near, laying near or being lovely dovey with their Beloved (in any manner that feels like closeness). Having that time alone will feel like a nightmare, leading into the trap they so deeply cringe and fear. Closeness will feel like a set up, and they will raise all walls and defenses against it. They will find intimacy as the direct threat to their sanity. And, their sanity will change into a thing of the past. They may change altogether, and become anxious, fearful, or start throwing darts your way, as though you did something to hurt them, scare them, even threaten them, when all you did was desire their affections and closeness above all else.

Perhaps in the beginning of the relationship, intimacy was something they joyed, as the structure of the relationship was not set yet. It had not formed or crystalized yet into a committed relationship. It was only something of fun, freedom, joy and non-attachment. But, as soon as it felt like it was becoming a commitment, they then changed.

Before sex, there is less attachment to the person. By having sex, you are connecting on an energetic and emotional level, and a certain level of attachment begins, even if it is unintentional. A one time sexual encounter is not as attachment producing as multiple times. However, even once is enough. Something happens in your DNA, your spiritual body and it causes two people to connect on a level nothing else can.

With Intimacy issues, the after effects of sex can pose a threat to ones overall balance of their mind. It can trigger deeper emotions within, and cause a ripple effect of layers upon layers that have not been addressed, need to be healed and supported through therapy, and cleared through other paths of emotional processing. If your lover is capable of holding space and presence for you as you reveal those vulnerable feelings (and you him), it can be a match made in heaven. However, if your lover resists feeling such things, is in denial that he has feelings, or in denial that working through them together can bond the relationship together stronger, it can only cause a downward spiral of separation, as soon as you, the one who desired the closeness, connected with him.

In the book, The Seven Levels of Intimacy, in the section on The Sixth Level of Intimacy, it states where the fear begins:

It is often here that we have to tend to the wounds of our past. Sometimes these wounds have been ignored for years, and we find them infected and festering. Cleaning out wounds can be an excruciating painful experience, but if we are to recover and grow strong again it cannot be avoided. 

In the level of feeling, we certainly make ourselves vulnerable, but in the sixth level, we expose ourselves. Level 6 is the emotional equivalent of nakedness. This emotional nakedness is usually appropriate only in our primary relationship. Here, at the sixth level, we finally arrive at the place where we are able to say to our signifiant other, “I am afraid.”

However, when sex is the trigger for someone’s mood, emotions and fears, often intimacy will not come to the place of creating the vulnerability that will cause a breakthrough and transformation of closeness and love in a relationship. The ability to say, “I am afraid”, and your beloveds honesty will not happen. And, if it does, it will only come from trust, honesty, and perhaps some very deep emotional healing work, if and when this person you love will surrender to this degree of help. You only pray they do, and perhaps stop engaging in sex with them, so as to not trigger their wounds, or create an episode and emotional breakdown.

Maybe they will be your best friend, and that is all they can handle…for now.

sex as mood trigger2
Sex as Mood Trigger

When He Keeps Rejecting You

when he keeps rejecting youWhen He Keeps Rejecting You

When your husband, significant lover, or boyfriend keeps rejecting you, after countless years and months of being together it is heart-breaking. I mentioned a while back this topic in an article called, “When You Want Your Husband and Someone else Shows Up“, this was relating to the same situation. The main man in your heart, the one your heart is deepest connected to over and above anyone else, is rejecting you, and there is nothing you can do! (This article also has relevance: When Your Hunny Just Doesn’t Want to Have Sex)

You gently say, it’s okay in one moment, and can be patient and wait for him when he is ready, but when he says the same thing over and over again, “not now hun”, “I’m tired,” or “we can connect later. Time and space won’t make a difference for how we feel, and if it does, we didn’t love each other anyway.” You think he makes some rational sense, but perhaps its his way of brain washing you to accept it, his reverse psychology of manipulation, because he probably really knows how to trick you, and cuts into your empathy personality of kindness, compassion and love. He knows they are your core values; to be kind, patient and accepting of others.

You see he’s dealing with something. You don’t know what it is. You’re annoyed, but your heart is open, and you love him, so you accept his needs, and request to connect later. But later never comes!

In the book, Men Who Can’t Love, it says under The Commitmentphobic Husband:

“Perhaps the most amazing thing about the committmentphobic husband is to the extremes to which he goes in order to not feel trapped. His discomfort is so great that he loses sight of the fact that his wife is a human being. Yet, after marriage, he is often so intensely uncomfortable, so anxious and so out of control that he can no longer see her clearly. He is often a man without mercy. His anxiety to find space and freedom within a relationship in which he feels trapped is no less terrifying to watch than the recently captured animal. He is flailing and it will do no good to point to him that his wife is just a woman and that she probably loves him. He can no longer see the reality of the situation. In his head she is captor.”

It’s amazing how many times you hear your man who is terrified of intimacy blame you for scaring him, or giving him anxiety, or putting pressure on him, or yelling that you ask too much of him, when all you want is intimacy, and he gives you nothing; or very little so much as a hug or sitting next to you for a short period on the couch. That is not deep intimacy, but to him, its all he can handle.

You think you yourself can handle this behavior. You allow it to continue and adjust your body’s arousal, and energy to handle his rejection. You even maintain intimacy with others to continue to accept it, but its never enough. You wanted him, most of all. Sometimes having affairs or an open marriage, doesn’t resolve the issues within the relationship, especially when they are deep rooted. If they have a fear of intimacy, and an issue with attachment, them telling you to go be with others and connect with them won’t resolve your hurt, frustration or pain with him. The issues with him must be resolved with him, not someone else. After all, it’s his fear of intimacy that is causing you to need to be with others anyway, isn’t it. So, its fear of intimacy that needs to be healed, not your sexual frustration. Being with others is wonderful, but in the end, its only a temporary solution, to a much bigger problem.

In the book, Recovery Workbook, For Love Addicts and Love Avoidants, it says: “Love Avoidants suffer from some form of childhood incest, and they fall in love but abort the relationship when it gets serious. Incest can mean overt (sexual molestation and rape), covert (sexual energy without touching) and emotional (being forced to be a surrogate partner).”

Saboteurs are Avoidants who destroy relationships when they start to get serious or at whatever point their fear of intimacy comes up.

Seductive Withholders run hot and cold. They always come on to you when they want sex or companionship. When they become bored or frightened, they begin withholding companionship, sex, affection, anything that makes them feel anxious. (If they leave the relationship just once, they’re Saboteurs. If they keep repeating the pattern of being available/unavailable in the same relationship, they are Seductive Withholders.

My guy was definitely a Committmentphobic and Seductive Withholder, and definitely a multitude of personality disorders. It’s hard to pinpoint without an actual diagnosis, however, being a practitioner for a very long time, and studying psychology and healing myself for 2 decades, I can pretty much estimate what is correct.

The most difficult thing is this person is your best friend, and was your lover, who connected with you so profoundly deeply and got into your heart before anyone else did. He’s stuck in there, like a leech, and you can’t get him out. So, those who deal with this, often want to try to help, support, heal, and struggle with being kind and offering compassion. However, in the end, this type of person must choose on his or her own, to get their own help, and truly get through their own battles, lest they stop giving them to you. You have enough battles to conquer on your own! I sure did.

In the book, The Sociopath at the Breakfast Table; Recognizing and Dealing with AntiSocial and Manipulative People, its says:

“When you first meet a sociopath (very similar to psychopath by the way), you may be impressed by her good manners. She tends to be charming at first, may go out of her way to please you, and often falls back on flattery. These tactics are designed to draw you in, but beware, for she is not what she appears, which is why sociopaths are often called “social chameleons.” It seems counterintuitive that someone so charming can be so dangerous.”

They have no trouble convincing the whole neighborhood and local community that they are perfectly normal, and most likely it is you that his community thinks has a problem, since they always see you upset at his wrong doings and acting out to stand up for yourself.

“It is quite common for sociopaths to create a sense of similarity and intimacy. They will tell you that you are the only person who understands them, that you are their special “soul mate.”

I remember not too long ago, he quoted from the funny kids movie, ‘Hotel Transylvania’, “You are my zing babe!” and flavored me with affection, devotion, commitment and made me believe we would after all that time get married, have another child and a home together. All those promises left to be met with his illusion and fantasy that he kept me hanging on by a string, with hopes for the future, and his unreliable stability and consistent change of heart.

Numerous times after he disappeared into his triggered state of whatever psychosis or personality state he has (bipolar, psychopathic, mama’s boy, womanizer, schizoid), and stayed there for a long time, I would be left to accept that he was a different person, and the man I loved with all my heart, completely pulled his heart back from me, and I was now talking to a different human being. No amount of my loving coaching, counseling techniques, patience, listening, and gentle healing love would make any different what-so-ever. He was an all-together different person now. Something triggered it, and usually it was from my desire of being close and intimate, have sex, or connect in a beautiful emotional way. Sometimes, and often times it was also something else. Sometimes just looking at him would do it, or rejecting and counter-offering another suggestion of doing something, anything other than what his direct focus was on. Any disapproval of his objective and focus was a complete insult to his ego. He was flabbergasted, and would complain you didn’t accept him fully and unconditionally. So, it left you unable to have your own opinion about anything. His objective was to keep you quiet, make you think you’re wrong, and reject you again and again!

If you tried to help him, talk to him about his feelings or why you felt his grilling anger, as though he was chewing his own teeth, and ready to scream at any moment, he would blame you for making his life stressful; for the mere act of asking him what was wrong. It was like being a therapist to your lover, but with no results. Gaining results always makes one feel as if what they are doing is helpful, but his rejection to first intimacy, and then rejection to talking, to then leaving all-together makes your efforts seems all the more worth-less.

The only thing left, is to accept it, grieve him, and then grieve some more! Anyone have a box of tissues? You might need them after reading this, and dealing with someone who runs for the wolves when you’re offering a sweet bed of flowers, and even some massage oil, satin sheets, and comfy gel pillows! Ahh, that sounds really nice!

Aim to Dis-Please

Aim To Dis-PleaseAim to Dis-Please

If your lovers goal and main objective is to turn off your passion, suppress your sex, and make you passion-less and not filled with passion, he has a main objective; to displeasure you, and turn you off; not on!

The definition of to dis-please is: to incur the dissatisfaction, dislike, or disapproval of, offend, annoy, and also to be unpleasant.

The definition of displeasure is: dissatisfaction, disapproval, or annoyance, discomfort, uneasiness or pain, and an act of offense, annoyance or injury.

If your lover shuts you down, rejects you, rejects your requests of connection and intimacy, gets mad when you want him, gets mad when you are horny, ignores you when you are horny, and even does energy magic manipulation tactics to turn your high sexual energy down to feel nothing, like he was trying to turn it off and calm you down, he is an energy vampyre, AND maybe a psychopath himself, or some strange sex avoider.

Most of the time, psychopaths are sexual predators, and attempt to be very sexually active, almost aggressive and hurtful, and if they aren’t in one moment, it will come out later. My experience with my psychopathic lover was, that because my love making style was SOOO gentle, sensual, and tantric (where I wanted to look into each others eyes, move VERY slowly to have multiple orgasms, and wanted to be asked permission before he touched my breasts, and for them to be touched gently and with love) and he knew I refused to connect with him if it wasn’t that way, and had the ability to control his high energy and slow him down, even with all his will power, he got to the point where he wasn’t interested in sex at all. And, the only time he was ever really open to doing it is when I convinced him with my seduction. But most of the time, that didn’t work. He complained that he used to be able to move fast with Suzy ex, or squeeze Linda whoever’s nipples aggressively, and she didn’t mind the pain. But I did, so instead of being loving and supportive of my gentle needs, he just rejected me al-together. Talk about a passion killer!

And, I had SOOO much passion! I was horny all the time. I wanted him ALL the time, every time we saw each other, every time we talked, and almost any time we made connection. And most of the time I initiated all of those connections too. My other lovers and even other connections were so jealous of the desire I had for him, but I never got my fill or return of the passion I put out. I ended up waiting, in limbo, like I mentioned before. I was like the sexually frustrated guy who was always horny and with a very passive girlfriend. I always felt like we reversed roles, but really, I was a tantrica. I had blasted open my sexual energy, was willing to have sex and be connected intimately all the time, but then somehow got knocked up with some repressed angry psycho who didn’t even speak my tantric language. He didn’t even understand what I was talking about, and would get mad when I spoke in terms of all things beautiful from my trainings. He talked the talk, but didn’t walk the talk, claiming he was so tantric, and many many times it seemed that way, but the true colors always came out later, in my own sexual frustration and his rejection of me.

I remember one time I came home from a Daka /Dakini Conference in Sedona, Arizona. This was a Sexual Healers Conference, and I had enjoyed myself so much, experienced pleasure, love, intimacy and healing and raised my sexual vibration and my kundalini was flowing so beautifully. I came home happy, excited, and filled with vibrant energy that I wanted to share. And, immediately when I got home, he came over. The intention was to connect, and I was hoping to share my beautiful love energy with him. And, as soon as he saw me, and felt my energy, he literally placed his hands on my back, did this strange breathing technique, and made ALL my tantric and beautiful passion energy DIS-APPEAR! It was like magick! I didn’t know what happened, or how it happened, but I knew I was pissed, and I wanted my energy back. I flew that far away, spent the money to travel, get healing experience connection, and then as soon as I arrived home, he did his vampiric energy sucking technique thing and made it ALL go away! I couldn’t believe it! He didn’t have permission to do that! And, I then started studying vampirism, vampire magick and the true meaning of energy vampires for years after, but it was only until this past year, that I learned that true evil vampires are actually the spiritual name for Psychopaths! So, all that talk about vampires was being nice! Because some spiritual energy vampire’s are actually awesome good people, and there is amazing gifts they give to people, with permission. I’ve joined communities and found out about them. (granted some of them are very sick, but many have advanced healing abilities and offer them with permission and love; nothing like what’s in the movies). The movies give them a bad name (and teach mentally sick people to be even sicker). However, after leaving someone, and truly separating my consciousness and energy from him, I discovered that Psychopaths are actually the true vampires! Go figure! And, they don’t even know they are doing it, nor is there really any cure! (Unless they had a head trauma and get brain surgery, or treatment from some brain balancing devices that can help, but they have to want it).

Boundaries, agreement and permission is the missing link. Its the permission piece that is missing with those who are mentally not healthy. If sex is not exciting, thrilling and perhaps violent enough, psychopathic men get bored. They want to dominate, control and possess every single part of you. If they know they can’t do it, the next solution for them, is to shut you down. (His offense is your defense, and he tried to tear me down, but I was a match in standing power. Perhaps that alone is what drew us apart. I stopped letting him overpower me, in one situation at least).

They try to make you feel like you’re undesirable. But I knew I wasn’t un-desirable. I just knew there was something wrong with his thinking. And for many many years, I tried to help him, hoping and thinking that eventually he would come around, because he did make efforts, promises, join me in spiritual retreats and events, even go to some awesome therapy sessions, but it wasn’t enough. He didn’t try enough, or want it enough to truly make a difference. All that forgiveness I did, and love I shared, eventually had to be put away, on a shelf perhaps for another time. And, like in the movie Vanilla Sky, as the beautiful actress says, “maybe in our next lifetime when we are both cats!”

Who knows! Maybe he will heal, but most likely, he won’t try!

Balancing Sexual Seduction

Sexual ManipulatorBalancing Sexual Seduction

After being the pursuer, the sexual chaser in a relationship for over 4 or 5 years, it gets old. You want to be pursued, adored, wanted and chased. It’s healthy to have both partners desire one another, and take turns. It’s healthy if one pursues and initiates connection one time, then the next time the partner takes the lead. But, if one partner always takes the lead, and the only way the connection actually happens is if they must maintain taking the lead, there is no balance. Perhaps they will be glad and excited to do it for a while, but after years of being the chaser, it gets exhausting, depleting, and somewhat degrading of one’s self value and worth.

Getting to the source of why your partner won’t pursue you would of course be a breakthrough, however, that partner must be doing their own personal work for any revelation or transformation to happen. If you have to continue to be the rock that keeps things going, the source of passion, the leader in keeping it together, what eventually happens when you need nourishment, motivation, support, love, comfort and someone to fill you up to give you the motivation and balance your own energetic life force?

Perhaps there was an agreement of polyamory, and keeping the relationship open was ok, however, your ship for sailing and pursuing others sunk to the bottom of the ocean and you had no motivation left in you. Perhaps your heart became frozen; locked. Perhaps what you wanted was to be with your primary partner, and having that balanced would create the opening so that extra partners would be able to fall in gracefully to harmonize the rest of you. So that foundation relationship, the main one, the source, being broken, or unbalanced, creates a ripple effect of unbalance everywhere else too! And all those extra partners, the secondary ones, or very occasional get togethers, don’t experience your true heart, because the one you loved the most locked it with his key. And the only way it was able to be open was through him; connecting to him fully, or letting him go completely! And neither was an option. You were stuck in limbo, never connecting fully, nor either letting him go.

If you didn’t want to let him go, all those other connections were waiting. You knew they were there. They knew you were there, but something was missing, no spark of passion, no desires, and an empty portal of darkness filled its place.

So, you kept trying to pursue him, even passively, putting out the energy, the signals, the conversations, the meetings, but that part of you that got fed up with always being the seductress died when he stopped giving you his love, when he put up a wall to being the leader, a man who chases and stands strong for his woman and not giving up on her, and your feelings of value were removed.

A Womanizers Manipulative Techniques:

(Titles of bullets taken from The Manipulative Man)

  • Blaming: He says, “I am ok!” Wanting affection, connection, and intimacy is considered smothering in their eyes, needy and co-dependent.
  • Shrew: Your desires are too unreasonable for them, and your expectations are always too high.
  • Exaggeration and lying: He always complains that he is tired, overworked and doesn’t have the energy, and if he is late or doesn’t have time to reach out or call its not his fault.  (I have lots of stories about this one. Many times he showed up tired, and would pass out on the couch or mat, often an hour late. If I tried to wake him up to cuddle or connect he would grumble, growl or complain. If I asked what he was upset about, he would also grumble, growl and complain, and often storm out like a temper tantrum. I never knew what his problem was, but it was annoying and frustrating and it got old).
  • Exploiting negative beliefs: If you start doubting that your feelings are valid, he will reassure you that you are wrong for having normal needs and that it is you, not them that is unbalanced. (Even if you have professional therapists, coaches, or other healers validate you that you are right, he will diminish them also, justifying why they are wrong, and add all of you to his list of people that aren’t taking his side, or loving him unconditionally for whining or being a bully).
  • Exploiting emotions and intimidating: You start to become afraid of the manipulators anger, and stop asking for your needs, or setting firm limits or boundaries. (And often this sets you up to being repressed emotionally, sexually and also spiritually. You try to do whatever you can to keep him happy. But, he will NEVER be happy no matter what you do, or how long you wait!)

You wanted him to chase you! You wanted him to show you that he cared. You wanted his love. You felt it before, and knew it was in there, hiding. But he only made it visible and known when he felt like it, like a temperamental cat. Was he a cat? you thought! No, he was a stupid human, and why did he have to be so damn sexy and hot? You wonder if all sexy and good looking guys are manipulators and abusers. You start thinking that might be the case. But this one was connected to you like glue, and you couldn’t get him off of you, for a really long time anyway. So, you kept trying. You kept reaching out. You kept being nice! But you were wrung dry. Your pot of niceness and sexual favors of giving withered up and died. You wanted to be seduced yourself! You wanted to be enamored, tasted, flavored with your favorite dressing, but you wanted it to be from him! Not some other person; not some stranger, or someone you were scheduled to help. It was you, who needed to receive! And your energy of giving was almost like a deep dark black hole. It had withered. It lost its scales. It lost its spark. And, it took a very powerful experience to stop the cycle of trying to be seduced by someone who would never ever give of himself, never lift a selfless deed, or make himself available to be of service (nurturing and healing that is), to any woman, or even any friend. He was, like a ghost, empty, death; your personal vampire servant; only here to suck you dry, and was always captivated to suck you more!

Sexy Charming and Abusive
A real abuser is always sexy, charming and immature. (mine was as sexy as him)

Sexy Charming and Abusive

If your best friend, your lover, (husband, boyfriend, wife or girlfriend) is also your abuser, people may have told you time and time again to just leave the jerk.  And if you looked at them with perplexed eyes, feeling despair and hopelessness, because that one action seemed impossible, you are right! It is nearly impossible!

Leaving your lover, who is also your best friend, and is also your abuser, and is the one thing that scares you, threatens you, and risks your life on a daily basis, the decision of leaving may be impossible. Or, if you have tried leaving, perhaps they used their sexy charm and manipulation to win you back, just when you were catching on to their seduction, abuse, and lies.

Perhaps when you had made requests of intimacy time and time again, and they made excuse after excuse not to be intimate, and you got fed up, left, started dating others, were even starting new relationships, or attempting to, and they jumped in, only to stir your emotions again, dangle their carrot, and seduce you back into the bedroom again. Perhaps you caught on to their pattern of luring you in only after you had waited months and months, and then when they finally had you, they withdrew their love again, pushed you away, and became rageful, hurtful and even vengeful when you made requests to be intimate, or didn’t understand where their anger was coming from!

In the book, The Manipulative Man, by: Dorothy McCoy, Ed.D, it says:

Arrogant men are an annoyance. Narcissistic men and Womanizers turn our lives into a challenging game, as we attempt to stay ahead of their scheming, self-indulgent behavior. Beyond annoyance and challenge, we enter the darker side of human nature — violence. Hostile men would crush our spirits and redefine “who we are” as “who we should be.” Their view of relationships is dominance over driven and idiosyncratic.

After my husband had left to the mid west, going out there to plant seeds of getting a place to live and work, for our family, he arrived home and switched gears. He became a completely different person. His facial expressions, tone of voice, body language and goals all had changed. I was still in the mind-set of the goals we had prior. He had a different agenda. I had missed him, and wanted intimacy, to be close to him. I ignored the warning signs that he had switched, and in the moment he touched me, I saw his disassociation, and he crossed my boundaries, touching me aggressively and hurt me. His words, “I’m tired of you wanting to be gentle. My fingers like to be just as aggressive as my mouth.” In the moment I froze, and stayed quiet, as I figured out he had changed, and became someone evil.

The book states also, Intimidation is a crude, primitive form of manipulation employed by men who must control and dominate, much as other men must breathe. In most cases, these men will not change and they certainly won’t change to please us.

I tried to explain to him, that his touching was hurtful and to please be gentle, but he couldn’t hear me. He wasn’t listening, and it felt as though he wasn’t even in his own body. I felt his anger and distaste for my words, and no soothing words I spoke made any difference. The only solution was to pull away, and instead of responding in anger as a normal person would, I knew I had to protect myself from the rage I could feel he was feeling. I went in to speaking to him, as a counselor, asking why he was angry and where it was coming from, and assuring him that perhaps something happened while he was away that upset him. He continued in his denial of his feelings, and I remained calm and centered so as to not anger him further. Instead of standing up for myself or protecting myself, I knew that would enrage him further than he already was.

Our goals must then be revised to accommodate this new circumstance (violence). Then, our new goals become (1) to avoid pain and injury and (2) to gain independence from the violent male. If you believe it is easy to leave a violent man, you have been given inaccurate information. Women in strongly aggressive relationships are more at risk when they attempt to leave or after they leave.

It’s been one year since my abuser and I have separated. I’m starting to slowly gain back my spirit and power. It is true, I was in a funk and had anxiety during the first 6 months of separation, as my body was adjusting to leaving what it was used to constantly needing to defend. During the time he left to mid-west, and after the filing of protection and separation from him for nearly 2 months, all darkness of the truth was revealed to the light, and I had awareness more than I had in the last 10 years. I knew he was mentally ill, and may never get better or get help. And, I knew I had to leave the relationship for the last time (lest he ever prove to me that he had begun treatment, therapy or done something extraordinary to heal his mental condition).

In my heart he is still my best friend, however co-parenting is much healthier and safer without stirring intimacy into the mix, so as to avoid any intimacy triggers that will push him over the edge back into his abusive behaviors once again. It’s best to leave those triggers at bay, and create intimacy with others who have a healthy relationship with love and sexuality. Let’s create the least stressful life as possible, and the most ease! It’s been a long ten year journey, to finally be ready (and able) to walk away from someone who showed red flags within the first three weeks. Next time, it’s time to listen to them!

And perhaps too, he’s giving me a gift this time. By rejecting me he’s actually keeping me from repeating the cycle. There just might be a part of him that is healthy, that he knows he is incapable of loving me without chaos. I’m grateful for his rejection. It’s giving me a chance to let go.


I realize this blog post is off topic to the theme of this blog, however, I decided to be bold, honest and tell the truth. After all, we’re talking about sex and relationships aren’t we? I’m feeling my writers block starting to dissipate, and I am in fear of sharing the truth no longer! I have been working on creating videos on my site, and wrote a post when I was in the midst of grieving and detoxing this situation months ago at I actually had writers block all year because of this. And started to tackle some personal health matters I am passionate about. I shifted gears to writing a funny children’s story while waiting for my writers block to disappear, and this here is perhaps my first truth writing where I can see things clearly, and the dark cloud I was in all year is finally gone! Don’t think I’m in a funk anymore, because I’m not! It just takes me a while to write, and usually its after all is well done and over, revealing what I had overcome! So, this is my writing in sharing, I have overcome this, and am truly grateful! We all have our journey’s! (And yes, I’ll continue to work on this journey while coming back to my passion and what I love…my spiritual and tantric life and love for sharing!)

If this post has any relevance to you, check out It’s FILLED with helpful information!

Breakthrough instead of Breakup

angelicBreakthrough instead of Breakup

When a couple has a falling out, and there is a misunderstanding and disagreement, why is that one person in the relationship wants to work things out, and the other wants to run from the relationship all together?

The one person loves deeply, and wants to talk things through, heal, take time to sort out misunderstandings. The other wants to run from their feelings, hide, disappear and not deal with their feelings at all, until later, alone and separate from the situation, and in silence.  Who is right in this scenario? What is the best outcome? Perhaps both solutions are correct, and there are many ways of sorting out things. What one person sees as the answer, might be right. And, what another person sees as an answer, the other person objects. However, in the end, if you believe you are right, you’re right! It doesn’t matter how something is resolved, as long as it is resolved, within yourself.

When one lover wants to sort things out, and the other lover is scared, sometimes it is best to let the scared lover take their time to heal. Sometimes the only way they heal is through time, separation and silence. If you are willing to give that lover his space, perhaps that solution can work, so long as you too are getting the support you need as well.

One may ask, how much is too much to take? Or how much is one willing to handle? But, for love, who isn’t willing to fight? Who isn’t willing to stand for the one they love? If not, perhaps it never was love to begin with.

Ancient soul love is worth the distance it takes to keep it alive. Even when a couple is very different in their thinking, or processing and one has an imbalance in their mind, the stronger person is always the one to keep things intact. It is always the stronger person who is the anchor, to keep things alive, to heal, to transform and to love.

Venus and Sex

Venus and Sex

So, I’m going to get into a little Astrology here. When it comes to relationships and our sexual desires, venus runs the show! We may think that its our minds, our hearts and our bodies that run the show, and that is certainly part of it, however, venus is the ruler behind all of it.

So, let me share the signs.

If your Venus is in Aquarius, you will pretty much do whatever you feel like. Venus in Aquarius loves everyone, and they don’t exactly like to be tied down to anyone in particular either. Venus in Aquarius likes to be free, they like to party, have fun, and be like a child always. They are a friend to all, and don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings either, but they will always make sure their needs are met, even if they are attempting to make others happy too. And, in the end, no one can make anyone happy but them-self, and they try to stick to this motto. They are best with lovers who can accept them in their need for freedom, or they will move on to someone else.

If your Venus is in Pisces, you are the Intuitive Lover! You’ll be easily moved to emotional connection, and your emotions will guide you to your sexuality. If you are in love, and your feelings are hurt, your arousal may be quickly turned off. However, you are a water sign, so if you have a lot of passion, a lot of water will rise and bring your passions back alive. Pisces is the sign of the sensitive lover, and they feel everything inside of them. They move often like water, so in order to keep up with them, its best to try to move with them. Pisces is the kind lover, so they will often think of others before thinking of them-self. Whatever the other partner wants, they will do what they can, to make them happy.

If your Venus is in Aries, you may be quick to decide to be involved with someone, get sexual very quickly, and just as quickly decide you don’t like them anymore, and not put much effort into keeping it going. Aries is a fire sign, and can get hot very quickly, anger, frustration quickly, and sizzle out just as fast. So, the best way to keep a Venus in Aries in your life, is to not make them angry, or do what you can to make them fall back in love all over again.

If your Venus is in Taurus, you might be very committed, sensual, and loyal to the core. Taurus is the tantric master, and are very grounded in their love making, like to move very slowly, are the leaders of foreplay, and can take as long as needed. They don’t like to share their partners, and consider their partners their own possession, so they would not want to go out searching for extra lovers, even when troubles arise.

If your Venus is in Gemini, you might be a very talkative lover, you may love to laugh and giggle in bed, and be prone to making your lover laugh as well, or talk their head off and they may want you to “shut up” sometimes. A Gemini Venus would be a very creative lover, and more detached. When a relationship ends, it might be easy for you to move on and go to the next partner. They would have an easy time with polyamory, and less clingy or possessive than other signs.

If your Venus is in Cancer, you would be very clingy to your lover, not want to share at all, and feelings would get hurt easily. Venus in Cancer would have a hard time with polyamory, and may not even think of it. Family comes first with Cancer, and they may want to include their relationship into their family, and if they cannot include their partner into their family, they may not feel as though the relationship is a good match. Venus in Cancer in bed, may want to cuddle for hours, make love for hours, and hold onto their lover for a long time. They are very affectionate, sensitive, and emotional.

If your Venus is in Leo, you may want to run the show, lead the bed-style so to speak, and take charge of your sexual interactions. Venus in Leo would be very loyal, and proud of their partner. Leo likes to be playful, child-like and innocent. They are kind, giving and selfless. They too would not want to open the relationship to others. Leo’s are loyal, committed, and usually stay with their partner for a long time.

If your Venus is in Virgo, you may be the most detail oriented lover there is. You may have an idea of how you want your sexual interactions to go, and be very clear they are the best, and if your lover does not surrender to these desires, there could be problems. Love making to you will be like art, very precise, beautiful and divine. You would be best matched with another venus lover in an earth sign , like Venus in Capricorn, Taurus or Virgo (or possibly the water signs of Pisces, Cancer, and Scorpio). Venus in Virgo would not want to be polyamorous. They are happiest with a committed partner.

If your Venus is in Libra, your desire for harmony and balance overpowers everything else. Your sexual drive will most likely be high. You are an air sign, and will be aroused through the intellect. You are best matched with other creative signs. Venus in Libra would be very romantic, and do what they can to keep the romance alive. In relationships, you want everyone to be happy, so if your partner is not happy, deep down, you cannot be fully happy either. You will do everything you can to make all people involved feel equally loved, supported and nurtured, whether it is a one on one relationship, or more.

If your Venus is in Scorpio, you will be the most possessive, controlling and demanding lover there is. You will be prone to go down dark paths, and do mysterious acts such as BDSM, bondage, torture play, blood play, knife play, anything kinky and wild, possibly journey torture chambers, hand cuffs, all kinds of sex toys, swingers clubs, or anyplace you can show up with your lover in chains, and more. Venus in Scorpio does NOT want to share his or her lover, and will do everything wild and eccentric to make their lover happy. Venus in Scorpio wants to be the boss, and once you are in their web, they don’t ever want you to leave. If you have an affair however, and they find out, their anger will take over, and they will shut you out of their cave forever. Forgiveness does not come easily with Scorpio, and you may be waiting a very long time.

If your Venus is in Sagittarius, however, you have the most free lover there is, even more so than Aquarius. Venus in Sagittarius likes to be the leader, but they are also the least detached emotional lover there is. They like to bring spirituality into their relationships and love making, and bring a sort of transcendental enlightened wisdom to the bedroom. They love big, but do not want to be held down. They are best with a lover who can honor their power and their need for freedom. They need to be held to the highest degree of their power and freedom, and if they are not, they will move onto to another partner who can appreciate and honor this aspect of them. It is a part of their soul and they cannot be anything else. They are best matched with another Venus in fire or air signs.

If your Venus is in Capricorn, you have the sensual sexual energy of Taurus, and are also extremely tantric, however, the grounding of taurus goes deeper with capricorn, and they are like ice and stuck like glue to their chosen lover. Once they have fallen in love with a partner, they want to mate for life with this partner. They immediately have desires of marriage, commitment, family and children. And, when troubles arise with the relationship, even after many months, they still keep their heart tied to the same partner, and will work through any challenges that arise to keep that love alive. It is very difficult for Venus in Capricorn to share their lover, or move on, even when it seems obvious to everyone around them it is time to let go. Venus in Capricorn, in their heart, mates for life, and even if they have a new relationship, will love their ex lover as though they were together just the day before! (They are best matched with other earth signs or water).

So, find out your true Venus sign, and you will know who you really are in the bedroom, and all the lovers you have ever been with!

Inspired from studying Jyotish Astrology lately, after studying western astrology since 1984.


Forcing Intimacy Too Soon

forcing intimacy too soonForcing Intimacy too Soon (Or rather, Forcing a Committed Relationship Too Soon)

I find it so interesting that men try to push themselves on women, who is not quite ready to be involved in a romantic or serious way. Perhaps the woman recently got out of a relationship, and just would like a friend, maybe a lover, but not quite a serious relationship. It irks me to no end when these guys just throw themselves on a woman, and she has all her walls up, is still working through the pain from the relationship before, and then he gets angry, demanding or feels like she’s rejecting him when she made it utterly clear, she was not ready.

I call this bad boundaries or lack of compatibility. Come on guys! Give her a chance to at least move on. And, if she’s still with the guy, you’re most surely going to be disappointed. Don’t force her when she hasn’t even begun to let go.

I’ve had friend after friend, who originally said they could be friends, but then along the line they fell in love with me, and then made me wrong that I was still in love with someone else. “Hello!!!! I already told you!” It’s as though they thought I would change my mind, or I would magically have let him go, my heart be blasted open, and just jump into the game of another serious relationship right away. Perhaps some women can do this, but I cannot. And I find it utterly distasteful that some men expect a woman to just get on with it, and move on right away.

Perhaps those who have the ability to do this, weren’t in fact in love with their previous partner at all. And, for them, it is much easier. And, maybe, if she’s not wanting you, perhaps your aggressiveness in the matter is what is causing her distaste. A woman needs time, she is a gentle flower, and needs her petals to be opened lovingly, with kindness and softness. When she is ready, she’ll know!

This makes sense as to why a woman who was so deeply in love with a man, where they split up, spent months and months apart, and one or both of them tried to be involved with someone else, but in fact, they were still in love with each other. And, then the new person (people) come along and try to force them to fall in love. They’re totally turned off by the force and aggressiveness. And, then time rolls around the clock and their true beloved comes back again, and they are able to easily jump into each others hearts again too. Because during their separation, the people around them, didn’t support them to grieve. All they felt was annoyance and desire to keep distant from the new people, because they needed time. I get it now. i totally get it.

So couples that break up and get back together over and over again, repeat the cycle often, because their support system wasn’t that supportive, and they never had a chance to fully let go.

We all need friends, and affection when we’re grieving and healing from the loss of a loved one, but we certainly don’t need force. And, in time, the heart does open again (with a little extra support from conscious friends, community, healing and love).

(Inspired from multiple friends who were a little too aggressive and needy with me, and my love for New Moon; a movie where the guy friend got utterly jealous and demanding when the main character, Bella, was obviously in love with someone else).


Polyamory and Marriage: When You Want Your Husband and Someone else shows up!

Polyamory and Marriage - when you want your husband and someone else shows upWhen You Want Your Husband and Someone Else Shows Up. This is the pitfall of many relationships. A woman is craving connection with the man she loves, and what happens is that her man is unavailable. He’s busy or preoccupied, or his interest has dwindled and he has other concerns and things he wants to focus on. She’s deeply saddened and desperate to gain his attention, but he’s always somewhere else, emotionally or physically.

In a Polyamorous Marriage this is perfectly fine. There is an agreement between both partners that they are allowed to be with other lovers, so long as the structure of the relationship is maintained. However, if the foundation of the marriage is rocky, or there has been very little connection, intimacy and commitment between the two partners, straying from the marriage can feel like cheating, or in Christian terms “committing adultery”.

When you’re in love with your husband (or significant beloved) and there is no intimacy, your heart tears up inside. You want his commitment. You want his willingness to do what it takes to be there for you, stay by your side and give you his all! But when you have waited and waited for him to show up in this way, and all of a sudden someone else shows up, most of the time, it is like God giving you the gift you have been waiting for! You fall prey to this new amazing being that you are so deeply drawn to, and your wish has been granted. Then the big question is: what do you do next? Do you continue to wait for the man you deeply love, or do you continue to fall into the arms of another? How long are you truly willing to wait? If waiting is putting your life on hold, perhaps waiting is not what your supposed to be doing anyway. Perhaps, you ARE supposed to be enjoying life and just surrender to what life gives you!

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Read more posts on my Tantra site at

Intimacy to Healing

It is a beaIntimacy to Healingutiful experience when one can allow themselves the pleasure of pure and innocent connection, love, holding and cuddling! Sometimes new energy opens, expands, clears and heals in this innocent encounter. Cuddling with a stranger is a beautiful thing, but cuddling with someone you love, feel deeply safe with, connected and care for is a whole different experience. Perhaps your Beloved, your husband or wife in sharing this cuddling is an ultimate high, to allow your heart to flow back to its true fluidity, and open up to intimacy, sensuality and sexuality. In this, sex can become a gentle, tantric, healing experience!

I love when my heart opens after deep energetic cuddling and connection! I love when my energy lifts, clears, and is filled with divine sacred union. I am grateful for the awareness of this energy, and the love within my heart!

Who have you cuddled with lately?

What have you gotten out of its experience?

Have you cuddled with a friend, a lover, a boyfriend/girlfriend, husband or wife?

How did this make you feel?

Did it open you up to deeper intimacy with someone else, your significant other, husband/wife?

Did it warm your heart and make you feel more connected to the universe/appreciation?

I’d love to hear what it created for you, and how it inspired you! Please use this blog as a means to write for yourself!

Blessings and Namaste,


Asttarte Deva Shakti Bliss's Relationship & Sex Coaching Blog: Intuitive Healer, Sex, Relationship & Intimacy Coaching & Tantra Therapy with Asttarte Deva ~ Author ~ Reiki Master Healer ~ Coach, Goddess, Dakini, Contact Asttarte 631-913-8572,


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